【雅思作文批改】5分：过于口语化，注意语法？

政府应该对铁路比公路花钱？ 这位同学整体架构比较完整，但是口语化比较严重，语法错误比较多，基础不够扎实，需多多练习。最终得分4.5-5分，还有很大的进步空间。 作文题目:大作文：剑11Test1大作文 Governments should spend money on railways rather than roads.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? 作文内容： Traffic problem has disturbed government for a long term,as a lot of measure [b1] have been taken to solve that, [b2] there are still some problems remained,m[b3] any people say that government should spend more money on rail rather than road,but i can not[b4]totally agree with this opinion. Railway, comparing [b5] with road,has larger capacity to load [b6] goods or people,and it is also a good choice for long-distance travel.One of the advantages of rail is that you will never meet a traffic light or jam on your way to the destiny[b7] .Government have invest [b8] a lot to make it more safe[b9]and convenient[b10] ,but sometimes it [b11] still makes trouble for people when it is at[b12]peak time;[b13] such as Spring Festival in China,there are even not enough tickets for those passengers who want to go home and [b14] they have to stay in the waiting room for a long time.So more basic facilities or more trains are needed to serve such a large number of people and increase the degree of comfort in passenger s [b15] journey. On the contrast,road ,as another way that frequently used,is more flexible than railway,b[b16] ut things changed when traffic condition is poor,ad [b17] people nowadays spend a lot of time on traffic jam due to the increasing number of private cars,especially in those major cities.In order to figure this problem,government should invest to build more roads like [b18] overhead-roads to release the traffic stress ,so that the air quality[b19]in cities will improve a lot ,too.[b20]Overall,fund [b21] are needed in both of areas,but it is not wise to say that more money should be used in rail or road,it must according [b22] to the circumstance.[b1]measures[b2]but[b3]注意断句，Many[b4]写作中是cannot[b5]compared[b6]transfer[b7]destination[b8]has invested[b9]safer[b10]more convenient[b11]指谁？[b1优艾设计网_Photoshop交流2]改成during[b13]符号不对[b14]又是连接谁？[b15]passengers [b16]另起一句，大写[b17]？[b18]这是口语用词[b19]和空气质量有关这个逻辑在哪里？[b20]口语[b21]funds[b22]情态动词后用原形各项细评： 针对问题最大的一点指出问题： 改这篇文章感觉像是改口语段子，因为口语化的说法很多，最大的问题是简单语法错误和复杂语法中句子的断句。句子可以写长，但长句也遵循语法规则，需要连词或者合适的代词。需要系统学习语法。 临考前建议整理一下论点思路，考场发挥尽量不要出大的语法错误就可以了。附批改原图：END